


Doesn't Mean I Want Him Any Less

by senseless_leigh



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, M/M, My First Fanfic, Non Happy Ending, get together scene, it's Satisfied but not really, minor depictions of violence, some fluff but mainly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 14:21:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18593032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/senseless_leigh/pseuds/senseless_leigh
Summary: “I’m charmed,” John replied. He gestured to the walls around him. “And, pray tell, what is such a wordsmith doing out here in a warzone?”Alexander kept his eyes on him. “I simply had to observe the rabble for myself.”“And you’re glad you did?”My Lams rewrite of Satisfied.





	Doesn't Mean I Want Him Any Less

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is set 1778-1780, but is by no means historically accurate. The title was taken from Satisfied.   
> Thanks to my friends Mads for beta-ing!  
> Enjoy!

“To your union!” John raised his glass high into the air.  
Alexander tightened his grip on Eliza’s hand. She turned to him, and he shot her a soft, familiar smile.  
It was all John could do not to flinch.  
Alexander stood then, lifting his own glass. He addressed the crowd in a trademark articulate, elongated speech. John tuned out for most of it.  
As his remarks drew to a close, John noticed Alexander’s head swivel in his direction. “To freedom!” he proclaimed.  
John blinked forcefully.  
“Something they can never take away,” Alexander said.  
He sat down, and the festivities re-commenced. The guests on either side of him turned to each other, striking up idle conversation. Someone (Angelica?) hastily made their way from the room. John sighed.   
He glanced around the room. He wanted this all to pause, if only it would mean that he could go back to a time that allowed him to live in a blissful denial of what had always been inevitable.  
He wanted solace.  
You’ve turned me into a mess.  
John closed his eyes, letting the memories wash over him.  
***  
He stood on a wooden stool, the scene before him lit by dim, hazy candlelight. Words streamed from his mouth; words about the revolution, words about liberty, words about freedom. The people scattered at the tables below him were grinning widely, drinking merrily.  
John registered the sound of the tavern door swinging open. He continued to speak, but his eyes had caught on the figure of a boy who stepped through the entrance. He seemed to be surveying the area, eyeing his surroundings with an air of equal confidence and nervousness. The boy’s gaze fell on John, and he swallowed. The boy smiled.  
John’s remarks drew to a close, and he hopped off his stool, heading back towards Lafayette and Hercules. He wavered when he noticed the two had begun conversing with the boy from the back of the tavern.  
“Hercules!” he called.  
Hercules turned to face him. “Laurens!” he hollered. “Come on over here, you gotta meet this guy.”  
He sidled up to the three of them, sparkling with curiosity.  
“Laurens,” Lafayette addressed. “Meet Alexander Hamilton.”  
John stretched out a hand. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”  
Alexander smiled again, and tilted his head to the side. He winked, and John barely caught it. “I sense fighting this war may be well worth it,” Alexander directed towards him, “if only for this company.”  
John shot him a cocky grin. “Nice line. You use that on everyone?”  
“You should count yourself lucky.”  
“I’m charmed,” John replied. He gestured to the walls around him. “And, pray tell, what is such a wordsmith doing out here in a warzone?”  
Alexander kept his eyes on him. “I simply had to observe the rabble for myself.”  
“And you’re glad you did?”  
“Well –” Alexander coughed, suddenly, and ducked his head. John could’ve sworn he could make out a faint blush gracing his cheeks.  
“Alexander will be responsible for managing General Washington’s correspondence,” Lafayette cut in. He regarded John curiously.  
John cleared his throat. “We will be seeing much more of each other, then,” he told Alexander. “I have been given a similar job.”  
Alexander smiled. “I look forward to it.”  
***  
“Wasn’t that exhilarating?” John turned to Alexander. “The look on Lee’s face!” Alexander simply nodded, fiddling slightly with the buttons on his overcoat. There was a pale cast to his skin.  
“Alex?” John said. “Is something the matter?”  
Alexander blinked. “Of course not,” he replied. He wiped some sweat off his brow, and gestured to where Lee’s bullet had grazed John’s chest. “Are you certain you don’t want to see a medic?”  
“Oh,” John answered. “It’s fine. It’s barely a scratch.”  
Alexander furrowed his brow. “It looks as though it may need attention,” he said. “Do you feel unsteady?”  
“Alex,” John said. “I feel perfectly fine.” He studied Alexander’s downcast expression. “Hold on,” he paused, “is that what this is about? You fear for me?”  
Alexander’s eyes widened. “I am allowed to worry,” he protested.  
John shook his head, smiling. If his heart skipped a beat, he didn’t acknowledge it.  
He broached a different subject. “We must go celebrate!” John announced. “Hercules gave me some whiskey before he left, and I believe now is the perfect occasion to open the bottle.”  
Alexander nodded. “Celebration is in order.”  
The two made their way back to their tent, traipsing across the thin blanket of snow lain across the ground. They reached their tent, and John lifted the flap to usher Alexander inside.  
John wrapped his arms around himself. “The cold is brutal,” he remarked, weakly.  
“Very much so,” Alexander said. “I can assure you, coming from the Caribbean, I feel it more than most.”  
John smiled. “You would.”  
He moved to extract the whiskey from his bag by the corner.  
“Do you – do you miss it?” John inquired.  
“The Caribbean?” he clarified. “Quite the opposite, actually.”  
Alexander appeared to want to drop the subject, and John shut his mouth. Alexander cleared his throat. He gestured to John’s wound. “Will you at least let me examine that? I do not trust your instincts.”  
John grinned. “You care about me,” he jested. He waved Alexander over, still smiling. “Do what you must.”  
Alexander approached, brushing aside a piece of hair that had fallen into his eyes. He fixed his gaze on the gash, and moved aside the fabric covering the wound. John shivered.  
“How is it?”  
“Not – especially bad. The cut is not deep.”  
Alexander probed the wound. More goosebumps broke out on John’s flesh.  
“You see?” he managed. “I am perfectly whole.”  
“For the time being,” Alexander said. “You shall start up another fight soon enough.”  
Upon seeing the look on John’s face, Alexander smiled, supplying, “You know it to be true.”  
He peered up at John through his lashes.  
“Is that so?”  
Alexander straightened, hand still brushing against his skin. They were standing noticeably close together.  
“Argue,” John continued. “Prove it.”  
There was more hair falling into Alexander’s eyes, and John fought the urge to reach and brush it aside. Their gazes had settled on each other, Alexander’s hand still resting at his waist.  
“Make me.”  
John leaned down to kiss him, just as Alexander reached up. He gasped. Alexander leaned into him, and John grabbed fistfuls of his hair, the two moving together in a kind of rhythm.   
In between kisses, John breathed, “This is sin.”  
Alexander grinned into his mouth. “Then I’ll worship the devil.”  
***  
John made his way across the room, collapsing onto his bed in exhaustion.  
“Alex,” he groaned. “What are you still doing working?”  
Alexander was hunched over his desk, quill in hand, furiously writing.  
“I just need to get this done,” he told him. John didn’t miss the note of tiredness in his voice. “If Washington notices that I finished –”  
“Alex,” John interrupted. “You’ve proven yourself enough times. General Washington already values you.”  
“But –”  
John threw his hands up. “Fine then,” he said. “Clearly you’re in perfect condition to continue working,” he challenged.  
“That I am,” Alexander agreed.  
“Good.”  
John moved to arrange himself in the sheets. He kept his eyes on Alexander, not missing when his head began to droop towards the desk. Alexander hurriedly straightened himself. John scowled.  
Just as he was about to close his eyes, John heard a soft thump. Alexander’s head had hit the desk.  
“That’s it,” John said. He stormed out of bed, over to Alexander’s working space.  
Alexander stirred slightly, attempting to straighten himself again. “What are you doing?” he mumbled.  
“Shhh,” John said. He gently lifted the quill from his hand and set it on the desk. “Let’s get you to bed,” he whispered.  
Alexander groaned slightly, and John wrapped an arm under his waist. He lifted him off the chair until he stood, back against John’s chest. John dared press a soft kiss to the back of his neck. Alexander let out a small whine, and leaned into the touch.  
“Come on,” John whispered, steering him towards the beds.  
“I’m really fine,” Alexander protested, softly.  
John rolled his eyes fondly. “No, you’re not,” he murmured. “Let me take care of you.”  
He led him towards his own bed, and laid him down on the mattress. John laid down beside him, and extinguished his bedside candle.  
“Goodnight, Alex,” he sighed.  
Alexander snuggled closer to him, until his back was pressed against John’s chest again.  
“G’night, Laurens,” he breathed.  
John smiled contentedly.  
***  
“Laurens?”  
John turned his head.  
“Alex,” he sighed.  
Alexander pulled up the chair next to him.  
John regarded him. “How,” he managed, “are you enjoying the festivities?”  
Alexander’s gaze rested on the ground. He smiled, tightly. “I must admit,” he began, “I never saw the appeal of weddings.”  
John swallowed.  
“But, Eliza,” Alexander smiled. “Eliza is a wonder.” He twisted the fabric of his jacket in his hands. “She is good. Perhaps too much so, for me.”  
John studied him. “She must truly be the epitome of goodness, then.”  
Alexander’s eyes met his. “I believe you were too good for me, as well.” His gaze was soft, and sad.  
John moved to cover his hand with his own, but retracted it, just in time.  
He shook his head. “I still…” John started. He licked his lips. “It’s still the same. For me, what I….” John couldn’t finish the thought.  
“I know,” Alexander said.  
His eyes shone, and John sighed. At least he could keep the memory of those eyes.  
At least there would always be some part of Alexander in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fanfic, so comments and constructive criticisms are greatly appreciated!


End file.
